


Alternates

by Janamelie



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: F/F, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-21
Updated: 2012-02-21
Packaged: 2017-10-31 14:43:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 15,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/345262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Janamelie/pseuds/Janamelie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This story is set in Series 4, directly after the events of "Dimension Jump".  It imagines what might have happened if Ace hadn't left at the end of that episode.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Jealousy

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote the first chapter of this story a few years ago, then revised it extensively before posting it as a one-off on LiveJournal. The encouraging reviews inspired me to expand it into a series.
> 
> I'm new to writing fanfiction, so any unevenness of tone from chapter to chapter is down to learning as I went along. ;)

  
Rimmer hovered uncertainly outside the control room, watching as Lister, Ace and Kryten went about their business.  Did they even know he was there?  More to the point, did they care?  
  
OK, he couldn't touch anything.  But he could voice-command things.  They could at least let him do **that**.  
  
Oh, who was he kidding?  They didn't need him.  To quote himself, he was about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican.  
  
But he knew why they were ignoring him, if he was honest.  Ever since Ace had arrived he'd been like a bear with a sore head.  Make that a bear with its privates caught between two rocks.  
  
Not only was Ace his superior in every conceivable way - more handsome, more talented, more popular, more  **alive** , for smeg's sake - he didn't even have the decency to smeg the hell off and leave Rimmer in peace.  He'd hung around for days now, rubbing Rimmer's nose in his all round goited unbearableness.  
  
And that wasn't even the worst of it.  Not by a long way.  
  
When Ace had arrived Rimmer had noticed Lister's obvious admiration for him - you could hardly  **not** notice it - and seized every opportunity to comment on it, but he hadn't actually believed that it would go any further than that.  
  
However... his mind drifted back to the conversation he had overheard a few hours ago.  
  
"I'm telling you bud, I must be getting a cold or something.  That's twice now I've smelt you coming and thought it was Ace."  
  
Lister, blushing like a smegging schoolgirl, had mumbled something about having taken a liking to Ace's aftershave.

Rimmer's mind returned to the present.  Lister was seated in front of one of the computer screens, typing to Ace's dictation.  The taller man leant over his shoulder, invading his personal space ever so slightly.  Not that Lister seemed to mind.  
  
As Lister finished the job - some kind of minor repair to Holly - Ace gave him a brief, light pat on the shoulder.  Lister beamed up at him with that sunny smile that seemed as natural to him as breathing.  
  
  
Rimmer had tried to tell himself that he was disgusted, and the nasty, puritanical part of him was.  But he knew deep down what was really bothering him.  
  
He was jealous that someone on this blasted spaceship who wasn't him was getting laid, yes.  But he was even more jealous of Ace.    
  
He stared at Ace's hands, so like his own, and imagined them caressing Listy.  
  
Listy?  When had that nickname become affectionate rather than snide?  When had his antipathy to Lister transmuted into an equally strong but entirely opposite feeling?  He didn't know, but Ace's arrival meant he could ignore it no longer.  
  
He was jolted from his reverie by that suavely infuriating voice.  
  
"See you later, Kryters.  Davey-boy and I are off for a stroll."  
  
"Of course, sirs," Kryten replied innocently.  
  
It was too late to run, so Rimmer entered the room with what he hoped was a nonchalant air.   
  
"Ah, Lister.  Kryten.  Everything tickety-boo now?"  
  
"Fine, sir," Kryten muttered.  
  
Lister rolled his eyes and left the room, followed by Ace, who tossed the words "Bye, Arn" over his shoulder.  
  
Stupid smegging ponce.  He couldn't even let Rimmer ignore him without spoiling it.  Rimmer stood and fumed, oblivious to Kryten's disapproving gaze.  
  
 _Enough of this.  I have to know._  
  
He waited as long as he could so as not to appear to be following them, then promptly did so, running as soon as he judged himself out of Kryten's earshot.  
  
He was just in time to read the display on the lift at the end of the corridor.   _A Deck?!  They're carrying on their gay affair on A Deck?  Where the Captain's quarters are?  This just gets worse and worse!_  
  
When an appropriate amount of time had passed, he spoke into the voice command socket and summoned the lift.  As he travelled upwards, he wondered if he was doing the right thing.  After all, how stupid would he feel if it turned out he was wrong?  Maybe Lister was ... teaching Ace to knit or something.  That would explain the blushing.  
  
 _Oh, come off it._  
  
He exited the lift and stepped out into the most luxurious area of the ship.  
  
  
After Holly had decontaminated the rest of Red Dwarf,  Rimmer had naturally taken the opportunity to explore the upper decks.  Of course his intangibility meant that he was basically dependent on the skutters, who did not share his interest in ransacking Todhunter's quarters for evidence that the officer had not been the model of propriety he had appeared to all and sundry.  Kryten would have reluctantly helped if ordered, but that would have spoiled the fun of it being **his** discovery.  After a while, Rimmer had given up in frustration, but not before familiarising himself with the entire top deck.  
  
He searched along the corridor, peering cautiously through each open door until he reached one that was not only shut, but locked.  
  
 _The Penthouse Suite?  How corny is that?_  
  
He bit his lip as he considered what to do.  Being soft-light,  he could of course push through the wall if he concentrated hard enough.  The small problem with that being that he wasn't invisible.  
  
 _Of course!  The air vents!_  
  
Steeling himself, he jumped up and forwards in the direction of the air vent, landing awkwardly on the phantom edge but managing not to fall through it.   It had taken him a while to get used to the differing physical laws he was now bound by.  He pulled himself up into the air vent, thanking his lucky stars for once that he was a hologram.  Otherwise, that would have  **hurt**.  
  
He crawled along the shaft until he reached the next vent on his right, took a deep breath and looked through it.  
  
His mouth fell open.  
  
They definitely weren't knitting.  
  
Jerking back, he clenched his fists to keep from exclaiming out loud and betraying his presence.   He closed his eyes as though he could somehow unsee the picture that was scorched across his retinas.  
  
 _Well done, Rimsy.  You were right.  Now let's get out of here._  
  
For some reason, his body refused to move.  
  
  
  
His thoughts were interrupted by a groan from Lister, the kind he had often heard whilst pretending to be asleep in the lower bunk.  Only louder and more heartfelt.  What if that ...   **bastard** was forcing him into something he didn't want?  
  
He had to look one more time.  Just to make sure.  
  
He looked through the air vent again and stared transfixed as his dimensional alternate slowly and deliberately licked his way down Lister's exposed neck and chest.  The younger man whimpered softly as his nipples were teased.  
  
Rimmer's trousers suddenly felt extremely tight.  He pulled back from the vent and tried to focus on breathing steadily.  His penis had other ideas.  
  
He forced himself to crawl a few feet away from the vent, willed his clothes to disappear and began stroking himself to the rhythm of the noises he could still hear Lister making.  The image of his bunkmate, eyes closed, lips parted, arching beneath his double, had imprinted itself on his brain.   
  
He could not help a muffled gasp as he came over his hand, his body shuddering in ecstasy.  
  
  
  
As soon as Rimmer came back to himself, he was afraid that he had been heard.  Fortunately, the continuing noises he could hear seemed to indicate not.  He made his uniform reappear, crawled carefully back along the shaft, jumped down into the corridor and made his way hastily to the nearest lift.   
  
It only took him a few floors to decide that this was all Ace's fault.  Prancing around, flicking his stupid floppy fringe and generally acting like a big girl's blouse - no wonder it was starting to rub off on the Red Dwarf crew.  Rimmer wouldn't even have thought of looking at Lister that way if Ace hadn't been there.  
  
It was a shame that he didn't hang around a little longer; he would have heard the name Lister moaned as he finally climaxed.  
  
It wasn't "Ace".  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  



	2. Teaching Ace To Knit

Lister sat in Ace's guest quarters, feet propped on the table, knitting a scarf. He drained his can of lager and sighed contentedly.

Rimmer had announced that morning that he intended to spend the whole day rearranging and tidying his possessions, with the help of the skutters of course. He had dropped not-so-subtle hints that Lister might want to take himself elsewhere. Fine by him. It meant he was safe from being nagged about feet on the table or scoffed at for his choice of hobby. Like Rimmer could talk, with his mindnumbingly boring collections of slides and weird military obsession.

He wouldn't have minded Cat's company, but the feline had commandeered Kryten to assist him with changing his clothes and showering while his broken leg healed. As Cat couldn't bear to be seen in the same outfit for more than a few hours, and showered every time he changed, Kryten had his work cut out. Especially since Cat insisted on blindfolding him.

"Nothing personal, freak-face. It's just this body's strictly reserved for the eyes of lady cats. And mine, of course."

"Sir, I assure you, mechanoids are not programmed to..."

"Uh, uh. I'm not budging."

 

"How's it going, Skipper?"

Lister looked up with a grin. "Fine, Ace." He noticed Ace's gaze move to the wool in his hands and felt his cheeks redden. "I...er...I was just..."

"No need to be embarrassed, Skipper. Nothing wrong with knitting."

Lister snorted. "You should hear Rimmer on the subject."

"Since when do you care what he thinks?"

"I don't. It's just ... well..." He tailed off, unsure where that sentence was heading.

Ace stepped into the room and pulled up a chair beside him. "Actually, old chum, would you mind teaching me?"

"You don't know already?" Lister blurted out before he could stop himself.

Ace was unperturbed. "A chap can always learn new things."

 

"OK, well ... we'd better start with a garter stitch square. Basic beginner's exercise. English or Continental?"

"Come again, Skipper?"

"Sorry, I'm..." _...not used to you not knowing things._ "Would you rather knit with your right or left hand?"

"Better start with the right, old chum. It's in better shape right now."

"Oh, of course. Continental, then." How could he have forgotten Ace's broken left arm? _Well, he stitched it up himself, isn't wearing a sling and hasn't mentioned it once until now. What a guy. Why can't Rimmer be more like him?_

He handed Ace a ball of wool and a pair of needles and started to talk him through it. As he watched Ace's fingers working, he was struck by just how elegant they were. The cuticles were neatly trimmed. Did he cut them himself, or have them manicured? Maybe at the same place he'd got that hairstyle? Rimmer had made scathing comments about it, as he had about everything else relating to Ace, but the truth was, it suited him. It softened his features, which were more relaxed than Rimmer's to start with. How could the same face look so different?

"Mimas base calling Dave."

Lister jumped. "Sorry. Where were we?"

"How do I finish the knit stitch?"

"You slide the old stitch off the left hand needle, like that. Then you've got your new stitch on the right hand needle."

"Easy when you know how, eh?" Ace smiled. "How did you get into it?"

"Me gran taught me when I was ten. She said I might be a boy, but that was no excuse for being useless around the house." Lister smiled at the memory. "Great old lady. Tough, but fair."

"No offence, Skipper, but you don't exactly seem the domestic type."

Lister thought of his chaotic bunkroom. "Well, she kind of overdid it, to be honest. When I left home I just wanted to chill out. Socks on the floor, dishes in the sink... I'm just naturally messy. I like it that way."

"But you carried on with the knitting?"

"Well, yeah. It's just relaxing."

"Fair enough."

 

As Lister had expected, Ace was a quick learner and produced a finished garter stitch square in no time.

"I'd like to run through it one more time, if you don't mind, Davey-boy. The English way this time."

"What? But your arm..."

"I like a challenge."

Lister shrugged. There was clearly no point in arguing. "Well, you start by placing the wool on the table so it's facing you. Hold a needle in each hand, like that. Slip the tip of the right-hand needle into the first loop. No, not like that, from front to back..."

Ace clearly did not have full flexibility in his left hand, so Lister placed his hand on his to guide the stitch. He realised he was pressing too hard when the other man winced, and withdrew his hand with a muttered apology.

"So ... um ... tell me more about Spanners. How did you two first meet?"

He was completely unprepared for the look that crossed Ace's features. Regretful was the only word for it. Realising he had somehow stumbled into an emotional minefield, he was opening his mouth to change the subject when Ace spoke.

"It was four years ago. I'd just come back from Triton and headed down to the mess to say hi to the engineering boys. They introduced me to the new guy and we started chinwagging. Got on like a house on fire. I asked why he'd left his previous job aboard Red Dwarf and he said ... his wife was expecting and they wanted the kid to have a more settled environment. 'Course they didn't know then that Kris was expecting twins."

He sighed deeply. Lister had a sudden feeling that he knew where this was heading.

"As soon as he mentioned his wife, I should have just made some excuse and left. I think I was in denial. Told myself I could handle being friends, better than nothing, all that rot. Blasted fool."

"Did ... did he feel the same way?"

"I think he did, deep down. Never got up the nerve to ask. And of course there was Krissie."

"Did you get on with her?" Lister wondered why that mattered to him.

"Yes. She liked me. Just made me feel worse."

"So when the chance came to test that new prototype..."

Ace glanced at him sharply. "Would've jumped at that no matter what." Dropping his gaze, he added quietly: "Extra incentive, though."

Lister squeezed his hand comfortingly.

When he looked back on it later, he wasn't sure whether it had been instinctive or not.

He had put enough thought behind it to choose the good hand, after all.

 

_Shouldn't one of us have let go by now?_

Somehow though, he didn't want to. He felt his other hand move towards Ace's face, seemingly of its own volition. He ran his fingers through that luxuriant hair. This seemed to snap Ace out of his trance. Leaning in, he pulled Lister close and stroked his back as they kissed passionately.

The ball of wool rolled forgotten on the floor.

 

They were finally forced to pause for breath. As he pulled back, Lister saw a look in Ace's eyes that could only be described as needy. But it was swiftly replaced by pride as he scraped his chair back and got to his feet, turning his back on Lister.

"Appreciate the gesture, Dave," his voice hitched a little on the last word, "but I don't want your pity."

Lister almost laughed out loud at that notion as he jumped to his feet. Closing the gap between them, he fixed his insistent gaze on the taller man's face until Ace's eyes met his.

"This isn't about pity, Ace. Honestly, I swear."

"What is it about, then?"

"Does it matter?"

Ace considered the man standing in front of him. Slowly, he shook his head.

"Lock," Lister ordered the door.


	3. Not Quite Yet

  


Ace was jolted into wakefulness by a palm on his chest.  It took him a few moments to register that it was Lister's.  The other man had stirred in his sleep and was now resting his head on Ace's shoulder.

He looked so lovable like that that Ace was torn between the desire to kiss him and not wanting to wake him.  He compromised by lightly tracing the outline of that sensual mouth with his forefinger.  Lister continued to slumber.

_This isn't right._

Not the fact that he was sleeping with a man - despite what he'd told Bongo and quite a few other men in order to spare their feelings, Ace had always buttered his bread on both sides.  Tastier that way, as far as he was concerned.

No, what was wrong was that he was sleeping with a man who was in love with someone else.

 

 

Dave refused to talk about it, but he couldn't conceal it when they made love.  His loss of control was inevitably accompanied by a gasped "Rimmer!".  Followed by murmured apologies and kisses.

OK, that sort of thing wasn't great for a chap's ego, but Ace could hardly get on his high horse.  He usually managed not to vocalise it, but the image of Spanners would invariably flash across his mind's eye as he tipped over the edge.

_What a pair, eh?_

The difference, of course, was that he knew he would never see Spanners again.  And even if he did somehow, the man's first duty was to Krissie and the boys.  It would be a cold day in hell before Ace did anything to break up that family.

When you put it like that, Skipper's problems seemed almost mild in comparison.  Firstly, that he was in love with a hologram who couldn't touch anything.  Secondly, the fact that that hologram had enough neuroses to keep the multiverse's finest psychiatrists busy for years.

But at least he was here.  Unattached, and quite obviously in love with Lister.

Ace allowed himself a soft, rueful chuckle.  Who did he think he was fooling with those "spot the submarine" jibes?  The man was clearly skulking in a closet deep enough to house Cat's entire wardrobe.

He blinked.  Where had that come from?  Good God, was the blighter's behaviour infectious?

He shook his head.  No matter what he thought of the man; Skipper was the important one here. 

As slowly and gently as he could, he eased Lister's head and arm off him and onto the soft pillows beneath them.  He got out of bed and padded silently across the thick carpet towards the bathroom, which was as opulent as the rest of their surroundings.

 

 

_This isn't right.  I'm using him._

Despite Ace's best efforts, Lister was now awake.  He watched through the half open door as the older man drank some water, then splashed some on his face and hands.  The mere sight of that body sent a shiver through him.

_He's using you too._

Lister frowned.  That was beside the point.  He had to face up to what he was doing here.  He liked and admired Ace - and **God** was he good in bed - but he wasn't in love with him.

Somehow - and smegging hell, **how?** \- he'd fallen for Rimmer.

 

 

Lister blushed furiously as he remembered the exact moment he'd realised this.  The first time he and Ace had made love, just before he came.

He couldn't help it; he always called out his lover's name at the crucial moment.  Kris, Lise and his other girlfriends had liked that about him.  But this was the first time, he now realised, that he was with one person whilst in love with another.

 

 

Ace recalled, with painful clarity, the closest he'd ever come to revealing his feelings to Spanners.  Some kind of row with Kris, caused by too many nights of shattered sleep and screaming babies.  A few too many drinks in the engineers' mess and the man had sobbed on his shoulder about how trapped he was feeling.

"Sometimes I think I made a mistake, Ace.  Maybe I should've waited a few more years before taking on all these resh ... reshponsibilities."

"Nonsense, old chum.  It's just the teething that's getting you both down.  Once that's over with you'll be back to normal."

"Wish I could believe that."

"You love her, don't you?"

"Of course I do, but..."

Troubled brown eyes met Ace's as the sentence petered out. More flustered than he could ever remember being, Ace averted his gaze and tried to ignore the tingling in his groin.

"But what?"

A pause, then Spanners pulled away with a sigh.

"Nothing.  It'sh closing time, we'd better go before they kick us out."

Ace had escorted an unsteady Spanners to his door before returning to his own quarters and guiltily retiring to his bunk.

 

 

"Ace?"

For a moment he thought it was Spanners standing nude before him until he registered the plaits.  "Sorry, Skipper.  Head in the clouds for a minute there."

Dave grinned cheekily.  "One guess what you were thinking about."

Ace looked down at himself.  The memory of that long-ago erection had given him a very real, present day one.   At a loss for words, he simply shrugged.

Lister moved closer and planted a kiss on his neck.

"You know, I was coming in here to say that we needed to talk.  And we still do.  But I think it can wait a bit longer."

Ace exhaled sharply as Lister's hand moved south.

"Yes, we ... need to talk.  Soon.  Very soon."

Just not quite yet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	4. The Last Time

Ace groaned as Lister's hand moved on his erection with firm, gentle strokes.   Pulling the smaller man into his arms, he kissed him urgently.  He knew without discussion that this would be the last time he could.  
  
Lister let out a small gasp as he was squeezed in the other man's grip, but kissed back eagerly.  His trust in Ace was total, but it had still been an adjustment, sleeping with someone who was stronger than him.  In some ways, it was a turn on.  
  
 _Maybe it's just the novelty, though?  Par for the course if you're a woman.  Well, a straight woman anyway._  
  
Rational thought left his brain as Ace nibbled and licked at his ear and he felt himself hardening.  Still entwined, they backed slowly out of the bathroom and fell together onto the plush carpet, Lister on top.  Ace's hardness tickled his stomach as their tongues explored each other's mouths.  
  
  
  
Lister broke the kiss and transferred his attentions to Ace's neck, covering it with small, wet kisses.  Ace grasped Lister's buttocks and kneaded as they rubbed their erections together.  Lister raised his head and moaned as he savoured the delicious friction.  
  
Raising himself onto his hands and knees, he kissed a wet trail down Ace's chest, then hovered over his erection.  He kissed the tip, then flicked out his tongue and teased the head.  Ace shivered and bucked his hips.

He took Ace into his mouth, sucking and licking as Ace caressed his hair with his good hand.  The fingernails on his left hand dug into the carpet as Lister moved methodically up and down, one moment pausing for air, the next enjoying the pulsating fullness in his mouth.  
  
 _Spanners ... oh God ..._  
  
No longer caring whether he was speaking out loud, Ace thrust as gently as he could into Dave's mouth.    His slender fingers tightened on Lister as orgasm gripped him.   He cried out something incomprehensible as his entire body went rigid.  
  
By now used to this, Lister swallowed as Ace's cock pulsed frantically on his tongue.  He continued to suck, determined that the other man would enjoy every last spasm.  He was so hard that he briefly wondered whether he was about to come too.  
  
 _No.  Not yet._  
  
  
  
A few breathless minutes later, Ace pulled Lister towards him for a long kiss, then eased him onto his back and lovingly worked his way down his body.  He tongued Lister's nipples in the way he had quickly discovered made him liable to forget his own name.  More kisses, then Lister was enveloped in hot wetness.  
  
 _Oh smegging fuck ... Rimmer ..._  
  
It didn't matter that it wasn't.  The name still exited his lips as he climaxed violently.  
  
Once he was sure that Dave's shudders had ceased, Ace knelt up and kissed him on the forehead.  He stroked the younger man's cheek as he sank down beside him.   Then there was nothing but blissful, sated silence.


	5. Dreaming

  


Kryten's downtime was abruptly interrupted.  He would have blinked had he been able to.  Instead his eyes focussed immediately on the two humans leaning over him.

"Mr Lister!  Mr Ace!"  His surprise turned to alarm as he took in the fact that they were both in daytime clothes.  Mr Ace's usually immaculate hair was slightly dishevelled.   "What's wrong?  Is there some kind of emergency?"

"Not at all, old chum," Ace replied soothingly.  "It's just that Davey-boy and I were chinwagging about something,  and we need to pick your brains about it."

Kryten felt an unfamiliar sensation.  A quick scan of his databanks identified it as pride.  Mr Ace wanted **his** advice?

"Well, of course, sirs.  I will be delighted to help in any way I can."

"Cheers, Krytes.  Let's go to the kitchen, OK?  I'm gasping for a cuppa."

"Wouldn't you prefer a lager, sir?"

"Nah, bit too early.  Maybe later."

 

 

Kryten busied himself with boiling the kettle, idly wondering why Mr Lister had apparently lost his appetite for lager and spicy food recently.  He also seemed more concerned with personal hygiene than usual.  Kryten's laundry pile had increased threefold.

"How about you, Mr Ace?"

"Tea's dandy thanks, Kryters."

Once they were all seated at the table, Kryten waited expectantly.

"Well, old fruit, we need you to tell us everything - and I mean **everything** \- that you know about alternate dimensions."

"Me?  Forgive me sirs, but surely Holly is the one to ask about that?"

"Kryten, you know as well as we do that Holly can't so much as see Ace without giggling and fainting.  We'll probably have to bring her in eventually, but we thought it'd be quicker to ask you first."

"I see.  Well, give me a few minutes to scan my memory banks."

 

 

Rimmer was dreaming.

He was a small, frightened child, dizzy from hanging from the ropes he had been tied to by his brothers.  His mother's upside down face shifted to a rarely seen expression as she read the letter from his headmaster.  For once, she was pleased.

"Excellent news, Arnold.  Mr Carter has seen sense and will allow you to go up with the rest of your class.  I hope you appreciate my efforts on your behalf."

"Yes, Mother.  Thank you, Mother."

As she turned to go, he dared to ask.  "Please, Mother?"

"Yes?"

"Could you ask Howard and Frank to let me down?"

He'd often wondered whether her assent would have been given if the letter had held different news.

 

 

In the way of dreams, it shifted to the near present as a Scouse-tinged voice told him something he didn't want to believe.

"Ace was kept **down** a year, Rimmer.  He didn't get a lucky break, that was you.  Fat lot of smegging use you made of it, eh?"

"He's just generally useless, Skipper.  That's why you're with me."

"Too right, tiger."

 

 

Arnold jerked awake, cursing and trying to rid his brain of the picture it was showing him of that smegging  **git**  playing tonsil hockey with Listy.

_Calm down, it was only a dream.  It wasn't even Listy who told you that, it was Cat.  Stupid mangy moggy._

Yes, Lister had been far too wrapped up in Ace for the last few days to bother telling Rimmer anything.

_Why do I care?  I don't.  It's not like I'm gay or anything._

He glanced at his alarm clock.  7.50 am.  High time to wake the little bastard up.  Leaping out of bed, he began his exercises, making as much noise as possible.

"Lister, time to get up, you lazy slob!  I've been up for hours!  Come on, move it, miladdio!"

When there was no response, he turned to look at the upper bunk.  It was empty.

Listy had stayed out all night.

_So they're not even bothering to hide it now?  They'll be slobbering all over each other in public next.  Have they no shame?_

Rimmer sank down onto his bunk and decided to go back to bed.

 

 

Lister smacked the table and whooped.  "Of course!  Why didn't I think of it before?"

"Are you sure, sir?  We did agree that we would only use it in emergencies."

"I think this qualifies, old chum.  I'll make the initial contact; then we'll know if it's worth our while hopping over there."

"Very well, sir."

 

 

"Go away."  Rimmer glared at the miniature tent that had set up camp in the middle of his sheets.

Not only could he not get back to sleep, he kept imagining what Lister was up to with that goit.

_Don't think about him.  Think about something disgusting.  Well, something **else** disgusting.  That curry monster we ran into a few weeks ago.  Now that was revolting._

And Lister had **eaten** it.  Poked his stubby fingers into the mess and licked them.  With relish.  _Oh smeg..._

With a resigned whimper, he reached downwards just as he heard noises outside the door.  Yanking his hand back as though it was on fire, he closed his eyes and feigned sleep.

 

 

"Rimmer?  Rimmer, wake up, man!  RIMMER!" 

Arnold jumped a mile as Lister bellowed in his ear, then gave him an earful of expletives.  He sat up, clutching his bedclothes carefully around him.

"Sorry man, but we've got great news, and we wanted you to be the first to hear it."

"Great news?  What, you've finally decided on a honeymoon destination?"

A hurt expression crossed Lister's features, and he stepped back. 

"Now look here, Arn.  Skipper and Kryters have just spent a couple of hours working on something for **your** benefit.  The least you can do is hear them out."

Something in Ace's tone made Rimmer quail inwardly, though he was determined not to show it.

"Alright, what is it?"

"Well it appears, sir, that there is a way to give you a solid body."

"What!?"  Rimmer wondered whether he'd fallen asleep after all.

"It's true, Rimmer.  There's this special technology that can turn a soft-light hologram into hard-light.  You'll be able to touch things, pick 'em up ... it'll be almost like you're alive."

Rimmer shook his head, struggling to process this.  It was what he'd wanted for so long, but he couldn't take it in.

"How?"

"We need to cross into another universe, sir.  One you've visited before."

Lister was grinning from ear to ear.  "We're going to see my kids."

 

 


	6. Deja Vu

  
Lister and Rimmer sat in silence as Ace piloted Starbug towards the alternate Red Dwarf.  Lister had calmed down in the last half hour or so, but he was still glowing at the prospect of seeing Jim and Bexley.  
  
 _Is that the only reason he's excited?  It must be.  What difference does it make to him whether I have a body or not?_  
  
Rimmer couldn't help remembering the wounded expression on Lister's face when he'd snapped at him - more than justifiably considering the git had just practically deafened him, surely?  It didn't fit with his conviction that Ace and Lister were laughing at him behind his back.  Neither did the fact that they'd gone to all this trouble for him, even if it did have a distinct upside for Lister too.   
  
To distract himself from his confusion, he mentally replayed the conversation they'd had with Cat and Kryten as they left.  
  
"You're **sure**  you don't want to come, Cat?"  
  
"Buddy, am I ever sure!  The last time we visited that place, I got stuck with that ... **dog**  ... for a whole evening and you got pregnant by yourself as a girl.  I'm staying right here with butterpat head."  
  
"I would have liked to come, sir, but it's probably more sensible if two of us stay with the ship, in case of emergency."  
  
"OK, then.  Don't wait up," Lister chortled.  
  
Only Lister would make a joke like that in the circumstances, Rimmer considered.   
  
  
  
They were met in the airlock by Deb Lister and two young men who were virtually unchanged from the last time Rimmer had seen them a couple of years ago.  One was a slightly more youthful version of Lister, the other more like Deb.  Both wore the London Jets T-shirts their father had given them as a parting gift.  
  
"Jim! Bexley!"  Lister hugged his sons hard.  "It's so great to see ya!"  
  
"You too, Dad," replied his younger clone, Jim if Rimmer's memory served him.  He had, after all, only known Lister's sons for three days after they were born, during which they'd aged eighteen years and been sent back to the dimension in which they'd been conceived in order to save their lives.  
  
"How's it going, Dave?" Deb gave him a friendly slap on the back, which he returned.   She nodded to Rimmer, then looked properly at Ace for the first time.  As she looked him up and down, a strange look appeared on her face.  She stared at his gold flightsuit with an unreadable expression.  
  
"This is Ace, Deb.  He's another version of Rimmer."  
  
"Like two wasn't more than enough?" she joked, but it was an obvious attempt to disguise her unease.  
  
"Don't you mean three, Mum?" Bexley chimed in.  
  
Deb sighed.  "S'pose I'd better fill you all in.  We recently met another Ace.  Same outfit as this one, only female.  Her nickname was Ace, too, but her real name was Arlene.  She and our Arlene didn't exactly get on."  
  
Jim snorted in a very Listeresque way.  "You mean Aunt Arlene hated her guts."  
  
"In a nutshell.  The rest of us really liked her."  
  
Ace spoke for the first time.  "Where is she now, if you don't mind my asking?"  
  
"Some other dimension.  She left a couple of months ago, just after we got the hard-light drive for Arlene."  
  
There was a brief, awkward silence, then Deb led the way towards the interior of the ship.  
  
  
  
  
They entered officers' quarters that were almost identical to their own, apart from a few details such as some of the posters on the walls.  Arlene Rimmer turned to greet them.  
  
"Ah, I see the prodigal father has ..."  She trailed off as she caught sight of Ace.  Her mouth stayed open, gaping like a fish.  
  
"This is the Ace from Dad's dimension, Aunt Arlene."  
  
"Actually, old chum, I'm from yet another dimen-"  
  
"Really?  You must excuse me, I'm extremely busy right now."  
  
She made her way to the door, pushing past Lister, and stalked off down the corridor.  
  
Rimmer broke the silence.  "I'm going to talk to her.  About what it's like to have a body, I mean," he amended hastily.  He had no problem whatsoever with Arlene's hostility to Ace.  
  
"Good luck with that, man," Lister muttered, still stunned at the fact that Arlene had touched him.  He'd known she'd be able to, of course, but it still took some getting used to.  And Rimmer would soon be ...  _Stop right there._  
  
  
  
The advantage of trying to find yourself was knowing where to look, Rimmer thought smugly as he caught up with his female self in the Observation Dome.  
  
"Arlene, I need to talk to you."  
  
"Well, you can smeg off.  I'm not in the mood."  
  
"Hmmm, where have I heard that before?  Oh yes, that's what I said to you the last time I was here.  And did you take a blind bit of notice?  No.  Now the boot's on the other foot, milassio."  
  
She opened her mouth to retort, then shrugged in resignation.  "Oh, what do I care?  Talk away."  
  
"Firstly, you have my sympathy if your Ace was even half as smegging irritating as ours is."  
  
"Irritating?!  You have no idea.  She swanned into Starbug to "rescue" us when we had a crash - which  **she** caused, mind you - and struck up this instant friendship with Deb.  Then she performed field microsurgery on Dog's broken leg, taught Kryta how to play the piano-"  
  
"And all this with a broken arm?"  
  
"How did you know?"  
  
"Because my Ace is just as bad."  
  
"Did your Holly faint at the mere sight of him?"  
  
It was becoming a competition, one Arnold was determined to win.  "Yes, indeedy.  Did she flick her stupid floppy fringe in a "look-at-me" way every five minutes?"  
  
"Yes."  Arlene paused.  "But did yours attract the immediate hero worship of Jim and Bexley, destroying what little respect they had for you in the first place?"  
  
Arnold floundered.  "Well ... no ... but that's only because they were with you."   
  
The triumphant look on her face was too much for him.  He pulled out his trump card.  "Did yours seduce your Lister and have disgusting, rampant gay sex in your Penthouse Suite?"  
  
There was a long pause.  
  
"Oh," was all Rimmer could think of to say.


	7. Catching Up

Kryta, on being introduced to the visitors, had insisted on offering them tea and cakes. Dog had appeared as if by magic and was making cheerful small talk in between stuffing himself.

"So how've you been?" he asked Lister, then got distracted by a cupcake before Lister could answer and wolfed it down in a couple of bites.

"Mmmm ... delicious! How come that Cat isn't here?"

Lister hesitated, then offered him another cake.

"Mmmm ... scrumptious! Where's that hologram?"

"Talking to yours."

"Hope he cheers her up, then. She's been like a wet weekend lately. Is there any more cake?"

Lister passed him the plate, then exchanged glances with Deb and Ace, who cleared his throat and addressed Jim and Bexley.

"You know, old chums, your Dad was telling me about this Zero Gravity football you're all so keen on. We don't have it in my dimension and I've been meaning to check it out. How about we watch a vid together while your parents catch up?"

The twins regarded him with a mixture of mild scorn and amusement.

"We're not kids, you know," Jim pointed out.

"Maybe not, but I do need a private word with your Dad. Off you go, and take Dog with you. We'll come and find you when we're done."

Bexley and Jim muttered rebelliously, but followed Ace to the door. Dog grabbed a handful of cakes and trotted after them.

 

 

As soon as Kryta had tactfully retreated out of earshot, the two Listers turned to each other and spoke at precisely the same moment.

"Deb, I..."

"Dave, I..."

Grinning, Lister said: "You first."

"Thanks. I was really pleased when we got the message from your Ace. Good to see you again, of course, but I really need to talk to someone. Kryta and Dog wouldn't understand, and it just wouldn't feel right talking to Bex and Jim about it. I know they're adults, but they're quite naive and I kinda want them to stay that way."

"I know what you mean. I couldn't talk about ... what I want to talk about ... in front of them either."

Deb stared at her hands and twisted her fingers together. "OK ... I'm sorta ... in love. With Arlene."

Lister stared, then burst out laughing.

"Hey!"

"Sorry, I'm ... not laughing ... at you. Let me ... explain."

 

 

 

Ace watched the screen as Jane Becca Speed scored and celebrated loudly with her teammates. Jim was fully engaged in the game, but Bexley's interest seemed more casual. He tapped the younger twin's shoulder.

"Mind if I have a private word, old chum?"

Bexley shrugged and nodded, following Ace into the corridor.

"Wanted to apologise for treating you two like kids earlier. You see, in my dimension that's what you are. Toddlers, to be exact."

"S'OK, you're no worse than Mum. Or Aunt Arlene."

"You don't like your aunt?" Ace asked cautiously.

Bexley made a face. "She's not that bad really. Just the last few months, ever since we met our Ace. She was just so jealous of everything about her. I thought she'd chill when she got her own body, but if anything she's worse. Shame really, I used to get on OK with her."

Ace tried to keep the surprise out of his voice. "Really?"

"Yeah, we used to play chess and stuff. Not Risk though, I hate all that war smeg."

"You didn't seem that into the football."

"It's OK sometimes, there's just other stuff I like too. Aunt Arlene thinks I should try to study and become an officer, but I dunno. We're three million years from Earth, doesn't seem much point."

"Do you want to be an officer? What would your subject be?"

"Flight navigation, like one of Mum's old boyfriends. Wouldn't mind, actually."

Ace blinked.

"You know a Kochanski, too?"

"Yes, she's a navigation officer, but she's also your mother. I mean..."

"I get it. Wow, so many possibilities."

Ace frowned, puzzled. "Your aunt wants you to take the same subject as your Mum's old boyfriend?"

"Nope, she just wants me to be an officer. She said anything's better than flight navigation, even being a chef."

Ace tried to conceal the smile that was tugging at the edges of his mouth.

 

 

 

"I don't understand how it happened. I mean, she's so irritating. All that lickety-split and tickety-boo smeg. Who talks like that?"

"You mean apart from my Rimmer? Nobody. And he's so whiny and jealous of Ace."

"Tell me about it. Our Ace left in the end because she couldn't stand it any longer."

Dave regarded Deb with shrewd dark eyes. "Was that the only reason she left?"

Deb blushed. "No. We kinda ... slept together a few times." Understanding dawned on her face. "And so did you with your Ace, right?"

It was Lister's turn to blush. "Yes, that's how I realised I was..." He trailed off. They exchanged a mutually comprehending glance.

Deb coughed and began talking again to get past the awkwardness. "S'pose it started when I met Ace. She was like ... everything Arlene could've been if things had been different."

"Yeah, the great thing about Ace is the way he brings everyone up, makes everyone feel useful. Whereas Rimmer just tries to drag everyone else down to his level."

"That's it, exactly. The problem is, Arlene thought we all wanted her to  **be** Ace. I don't, I just want her to see how much better things could be if she could be ... more positive."

"Yeah, and how much more people would like him if he just chilled the smeg out a bit."

"And how much better looking she'd be if she smiled properly once in a while."

"I don't think I've ever seen him smile. Smirking doesn't count."

 

 

 

"How did it happen? The man drives me insane! That stupid inane grin..."

"That infuriating laid back attitude..."

"The lack of personal hygiene." Rimmer shuddered.

"Except when Ace is around."

"I know; he can't be bothered showering for his longtime shipmates, but he can for that git?"

Both Rimmers sighed.

"And yet ... there's something about him. After a while, that grin sort of grows on you."

Arlene nodded. "And then there's the way she always expects the best of me, even though she knows I'm a coward."

"A certified, copper-bottomed one," Rimmer agreed gloomily. "Hold on a moment, though. You've still got it better than I have. At least you've got a body."

"I'm not so sure. Once I thought that would solve all my problems, but it's just created a whole new set."

Rimmer snorted disbelievingly.

"Don't you see? Now I could actually go up to her and ... kiss her. Except I can't, because I know she'd laugh in my face."

Rimmer shook his head. "Even if she did, you can still touch things. Can you eat?"

Arlene's eyes lit up briefly. "Yes. I won't deny it, that was smegging great. At first."

"What happened, then? How did you get your body, anyway?"

"A couple of months ago, we were snared by this malfunctioning guidance beam. Turned out it belonged to a research centre. When we landed, we were greeted by this weird ... being. She seemed to be female, but had a really deep voice and wore a kind of gold Buddha mask. Practically the first thing she did was to grab my light bee - without so much as a by-your-leave, I might add - and convert it from soft-light to hard-light. I couldn't believe it. I reached out and touched Deb, and I could *feel* her. She touched me back with that grin of hers and I nearly..."

Arlene seemed to be drifting off into a private daydream. Rimmer coughed, politely but meaningfully. "Then what?"

"Then she removed Deb's appendix to save her from peri...something. And the way she did it, it didn't even hurt. By this time, of course, we're all keen to get to know her better. She's obviously a genius, she's cultured, sophisticated ... and she can probably get us back to Earth without breaking sweat. So we accept her invitation to dinner and try to persuade her to join us on Red Dwarf."

"And she of course said "Are you kidding?"."

"Yes, but not for the reason you're thinking. It's impossible for her to leave the research centre. So we said thanks for the meal, now we'll be on our way, and that's where it all turns nasty. She refuses to let us leave. She wants us to stay with her until we die. Well, until the others die. Not sure what she had in mind for Kryta and I." Arlene shivered at the memory.

"So what did you do?"

"Ace shushes everyone - the git - and says we'll stay the night and make our decision in the morning. We're each shown to a separate room and mine is perfect. Spick and span, starched pyjamas ... everything."

"Nocturnal boxing gloves?"

"Of course." Arlene paused as though considering. "Oh what the smeg, you may as well know it all. You're me, so this is going to happen to you eventually and the humiliation will even itself out."

She took a deep breath. "Just as I'm settling down to sleep, I hear a noise like someone entering my room, but the door doesn't move. I hide under the bedclothes hoping it'll go away, but of course it doesn't. It comes closer and closer, then pulls back my sheets!"

Rimmer gasped. "What was it?"

Arlene flushed scarlet. "Deb. At least it looked like her. But there was only one door, and that hadn't moved. It must have been some sort of hallucination."

Rimmer laughed for the first time in a few months. Then the implications dawned on him.

"What, so you ... I mean, she ..."

"It was perfect. In every detail. Except the next morning I couldn't look her in the eye. And I haven't been able to since."


	8. Legion

There was a knocking at the door of the kitchen Lister and Deb had locked themselves in.

"Sorry to interrupt, old chums, but are you finished chinwagging?"

They glanced at each other. Lister felt as though he could carry on talking for hours out of sheer relief at finally being able to unburden himself to someone neutral. Well, sort of neutral. He could tell from Deb's expression that she felt the same way.

But he knew Ace wouldn't have disturbed them for nothing. At his questioning expression, Deb shrugged and nodded reluctantly.

"Unlock."

The door slid open, revealing Ace and a slightly apprehensive looking Bexley.

"Go ahead, old chum."

"Mum, Dad, I've decided I want to become an officer."

There was a short pause, then Deb moved forward and hugged her son.

"That's great, Bex. You didn't really think we'd mind, did you?"

Lister grinned. "Fine by me."

Bexley sighed with relief. "I thought it'd be OK, but Jim's been teasing me. He says Listers don't do that kind of thing and I'm just sucking up to Aunt Arlene."

Deb made a dismissive noise. "Don't worry about Jim, we'll sort him out."  She grinned broadly.  "Arlene might actually smile when she hears this.  She'll probably want to do you a revision timetable."

Bexley smiled.  "Don't tell her yet.  I want to surprise her."

"What subject do you want to specialise in?" asked Lister curiously.

"Flight navigation."

Both Listers chuckled.

"I guess what goes around comes around," Dave snorted.

Ace coughed. "Skipper, could I have a quick word?"

Lister followed him into the corridor, still smiling.

"Thanks, Ace. I know it was you who persuaded Bexley to go for it."

"Think nothing of it, Skipper. He just needed a little nudge."

"So what's this about?"

"I've been talking to Kryta and Hilly, working out exactly where they were when they met this Legion. I adjusted the calculations for our dimension and it turns out we're pretty near it. We need to get back ASAP, so if you could start saying your goodbyes and I'll look for Arn. Any idea where he might be?"

"Well, he followed Arlene, so I'd guess the Observation Dome."

"Thanks, old love." Ace patted Lister's shoulder. His hand lingered a little too long, his eyes glazing over slightly, before he pulled it away.

"Sorry, old chum. I know that's not on anymore."

"It's OK," Lister muttered, staring at his shoes. "I understand it's difficult to just ... stop after what..."

"A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, Skipper. Or **not** do, in this case. See you soon."

Lister watched him go, holding his shoulder where Ace had touched it, then turned slowly and went back into the kitchen.

 

 

**THE NEXT DAY**

 

 

"And you are Rimmer."

The hologram barely had time to nod before his light bee was seized and everything went black. He ceased to be. He had no idea how much time had passed when he suddenly clicked back on, breathing heavily.

"You'd better have a mighty damn fine explanation for what you've just done, miladdio," he blustered in an attempt to hide his disorientation.

"Forgive me," Legion replied calmly. "I merely converted your projection unit from soft-light to hard-light."

"Hard-light? I've got a body? I can touch? Feel?"

Rimmer's heart pounded in his ears as he reached out and touched Lister on the shoulder. His fingertips exploded with the long denied sensation, but he forced himself to withdraw his hand before it could start to look odd. Lister prodded him back briefly with a disbelieving grin. Rimmer remembered Arlene's dreamy expression and wondered if his own face looked the same.

Kryten broke the silence with a feeble attempt at a joke. "Puncture repair kit on standby, sir."

Rimmer grimaced. "But how?"

"I created the hard-light drive many years ago. My mind is not all that it once was. You, my friend, are Lister."

Rimmer was only half paying attention as Legion removed Lister's appendix. Partly because he'd already heard it from Arlene, but mainly because he was overwhelmed. He glanced down at his smart new uniform. The quilted blue jacket and close-fitting trousers were identical to Arlene's. He focussed on wondering why Legion should have chosen this particular outfit in order to take his mind off the steadily growing urge to touch anything in sight, including himself. No, not like **that** , at least not immediately. _Smeg, don't think about that!_

"Thanks a lot, old fruit.  Broken arms really are crashing bores."

"Wooohhh!  I can dress myself again!  Thanks, buddy!"

Cat's piercing shriek jolted Rimmer back to the present with a vengeance. He remembered the plan they'd all agreed on in advance, an important part of which was, don't make Legion suspicious. Pretend you know nothing about him.

"What is your name?" he asked in the most obsequious tone he could muster, the one he usually reserved for Captain Hollister, psychotic simulants and anything else that might want to kill him.

"Call me ... Legion."

 

 

Ace gazed around the dining room, impressed.  Kryta's description of Legion's art collection had not been exaggerated.

"Nice place you've got here, old chum."

"Thank you, Ace."

Kryten, Ace and Legion began an enthusiastic conversation about modern art, which might as well have been white noise as far as Lister was concerned.  He settled himself in a very comfortable chair and concentrated on looking anywhere but at Rimmer.

 _Why are those trousers so smegging tight?  Does Legion fancy him too?_ He wrinkled his nose at distaste at the thought, then realised that since Legion was one-fifth him, that actually kind of made sense.

He cast his mind back to the conversations they'd had back on the Dwarf.  Ace had recounted everything Kryta had told him about their visit to Legion - including the way they'd escaped - and Lister and Rimmer had chipped in with the versions they'd been told by Deb and Arlene.  Lister, however, had left out one rather significant detail which Deb had taken him aside just before they left and warned him about.

 _I couldn't tell them **that**.  Might just as well say out loud: "Rimmer, I love you."   _ He had, however, warned Ace privately, feeling he owed him that much. 

 

 

The banquet proved delicious and easily edible, thanks to Ace's unabashed admission that not all of the party were familiar with Mimosian cuisine, although Lister suspected Ace himself probably was.  Legion had accordingly provided regular food for all bar himself and Kryten.

Rimmer was doing a good job of feigning utter ignorance of hard-light technology.  He was almost babbling, in fact.  Lister, who had sat next to him in order not to have to look directly at him, suddenly noticed his right leg under the table, jiggling frantically.

_He looks as though he's about to have a panic attack or something.  Something like this must take a while to get used to.  He probably just wants to touch anything and everything - smeg, don't go there._

_**Why** did he have to sit next to me, when I'm already horny as smeg?  Does he know?  Is he torturing me?  When will this smegging meal be over?_

He attacked his food with gusto, hoping to sublimate one urge by satisfying another.  His reawakened tastebuds savoured each mouthful.  _Mmmm.  This is just like that time I borrowed Lister's body..._

Rimmer stopped with a forkful halfway to his mouth, the memory he had somehow managed to suppress for the last year or so sending all thought of food out of his head.

 

 

 

They had decided in advance that an overnight stay was just too intriguing to pass up, so when Legion finally rose and offered to escort them to their rooms, Rimmer leapt to his feet.

"Me first!  Er, please ... I'm tired."

"This way."

They were barely out of the room before Cat snorted with laughter.

"Who does goalpost head think he's fooling?  We all know why he's in such a hurry."

"Can you just lay off him for once, Cat?  Smeg knows what it's like for him."

Cat shrugged elegantly and unwrapped another mint.

 

 

As soon as Legion departed, Rimmer let out a huge sigh of relief and locked the door behind him.

He threw himself onto the sizeable bed and ran his hands over the soft duvet, oblivious to the whimpering noises he was making.  He was only half aware of his uniform vanishing as his hand snaked downwards.  In a matter of minutes his climax ripped through him.

 

 

Once his senses had returned he sat up and inspected his hand, which was spotless.  _So that's still the same, at least.  Good.  But smeg, what **was** that?_

There was just no comparison between what had just happened and soft-light orgasms.  Even his one and only lifetime encounter with Yvonne paled beside it.  Admittedly, that probably wasn't the most shining example.

_It'll settle down once I'm more used to it.  Won't it?_

He mentally apologised to Arlene for his scepticism about the drawbacks of being hard-light.  How could he even be in the same room as Lister if it carried on at this rate?

Without warning, the lighting dimmed to a soft, bluish glow.  A silhouette he instantly recognised walked straight through the door he **knew** he'd locked and approached his bed.

"Er ... hello," Rimmer squeaked, incongruously embarrassed at his nakedness in front of this fully clothed, exact copy of his bunkmate.  He knew this wasn't really Lister, he'd expected this to happen - why was he still crimson?

"Hi, Duke."

It was Lister's voice, but with a soft edge to it that went straight to Rimmer's groin.  He tentatively reached out a hand to the other man, who caught it in his and twined their fingers together, then leant in and barely brushed his lips to Rimmer's.  Rimmer froze for a moment, then pulled the smaller man on top of him and clutched him as they kissed fiercely. 

No sooner had Rimmer clawed impatiently at Lister's clothing than it disappeared.  Shivers danced up and down his body as skin met skin.

 _I could get used to this_ was his last coherent thought.


	9. Revelations

Rimmer stirred gradually into wakefulness, vague feelings of peace and contentment drifting through his mind.  He reached for the warm body he subconsciously expected to be there.  His fingers met only bedclothes.  
  
He woke with a start as memories of the night before flooded his brain.  
  
 _Oh God, when he did that thing with his tongue ... and when I..._  
  
He lay back and floated into an erotic daydream which ended in a series of groans as he brought himself to completion.  
  
  
  
Of course it couldn't last.  As his head cleared, familiar unwelcome thoughts returned.  
  
 _OK, I didn't really expect him to be here when I woke up; I can live with that.  But now I have to get up, walk into that dining room and face Lister.  The real one._  
  
He sighed.  Back to normal for Arnold Judas Rimmer.  
  
He got out of bed, headed for the shower and stayed there a long time, relishing the sensations.  
  
  
  
It was past noon when he finally joined the others in the dining room, but strangely no-one commented on his tardiness.  They greeted him cheerily and resumed their meal.  Suddenly ravenous, Rimmer sat down and tucked in, relieved that his body seemed to be adjusting to its new status.  He no longer felt in imminent danger of mortifying trouser bulges in public.  
  
  
  
Once the edge had been taken off his appetite, a question occurred to him.  "Where's Legion?"  
  
"Not sure, he brought the food in, then said he had things to do," Lister muttered through a mouthful of bacon.  
  
"So when do we put Phase Two of the plan into action?  After breakfast, or are we going to hang around a bit longer?"  
  
The silence made him look up.  He scanned the expressions of his companions one by one.  Kryten seemed his usual self, but the look on Cat's face was one he could never remember seeing before.  Uncertainty combined with a satisfied, dreamy look which Rimmer had a horrible feeling he recognised.  He'd seen it in the mirror not long before.  
  
 _Oh no.  I **refuse** to even think about it._  
  
He felt a stab of jealousy as he registered a similar expression on Lister's face.  Ace, though - the satisfied look was there, but he seemed to be trying to fight it.  
  
 _You don't fool me, you git.  I know you sneaked into Lister's room last night._  
  
"Well?" he prompted.  
  
"I think the intention was to leave after breakfast, wasn't it, sirs?"  
  
"Buddies, I know Legion's a creepy psycho and all that, but **man** are these nice digs!  You should see my room!  Zebraskin rugs, mirrors from floor to ceiling, a wardrobe the size of several of those puny little bunk rooms put together.  You said he won't hurt us if we don't try to escape.  What's the rush?"  
  
"I think you're forgetting, sir, that we're planning to ... well, you know..."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, I know.  But what difference would a few more days make?"  
  
"I'm kinda thinking Cat may have a point."  
  
"Have to disagree with you there, Skipper.  No offence."  
  
"None taken Ace, but - why?"  
  
"Because having your every desire granted isn't good for anyone.  Not putting myself on a pedestal here, I'm as tempted as anyone, but the longer we stay the harder it'll be to leave.  What do you say we put it to the vote?"  
  
Ace was looking directly at Lister, almost pleadingly.  He seemed to be trying to convey more than he was actually saying.  Lister only hesitated briefly before replying.  
  
"OK, if you feel that strongly about it, I vote for leaving after breakfast."  
  
"Kryters?"  
  
"You know my programming, sirs.  Of course you have my vote - and would have anyway, I might add."  
  
"Arn?"  
  
"Well, it doesn't make any smegging difference what I think, does it?  You've already got your majority."  
  
"You can still give us your opinion."  
  
Rimmer looked into Lister's earnest brown eyes, then dropped his gaze, flushing, as memories threatened to overwhelm him once more.   
  
"I don't care," he said flatly.  "Do what you like.  You will anyway."  
  
Cat broke the awkward silence.  "Guess I'm outvoted.  I'm finishing this food, though."  They all murmured agreement.  
  
  
  
When everyone had eaten their fill, Ace produced a small packet from one of his pockets and handed pills to Lister and Cat.   Lister swallowed his immediately.  Cat paused to whimper wistfully about zebraskin rugs before following suit.  
  
"Would you mind removing your light bee, Arn?  Quickly, before Legion gets here?"  
  
Any objection Rimmer might have voiced died on his lips at the reminder of the possible danger they were in.  He obeyed and was enveloped by blackness.  He did not feel Kryten carefully pick him up.  
  
Cat and Lister were already asleep.  Ace placed a pill in his own mouth.  
  
"You will remember **everything** I asked you to do, Kryters?"  
  
"Of course, sir."  
  
  
  
Legion's would-be dramatic entrance was spoilt as Ace lost consciousness seconds before he burst into the dining room.  Kryten walked up to him without fear, removed his mask and saw his own face staring back at him.  
  
 _Mr Ace assured me the pills will keep them all unconscious for several hours.  More than enough time._  
  
  
  
Lister woke in Red Dwarf's medibay to find Kryten hovering over him.  
  
"Ah sir, you're back with us at last."  
  
Lister sat up stiffly.  "How long was I out, then?"  
  
"Six hours, sir.  Must have been all that food you ate."  
  
Lister stared at the mechanoid, who looked suddenly guilty.  
  
"Sorry, sir.  Now's probably not the best time to test my humour chip."  
  
Lister nodded curtly and dragged his legs over the side of the bed.  Maybe it was the after-effects of the tablet, but he wasn't feeling that great.  
  
"Where's everyone else?"  
  
"You're the last to wake, sir.  Mr Cat has forbidden me to disturb him for the next two hours as he wishes to enjoy his first unaided shower and ensemble selection in his own room for more than a week.  Mr Rimmer and Mr Ace are in their respective quarters.  We're not going to try the device until tomorrow as you'll all still be a bit groggy for the rest of today."  
  
"So the plan worked, then?"  
  
"Like a charm, sir.  And now I have a present that I know will cheer you up."  
  
He produced a large parcel.  Lister instantly guessed what it was from the shape, but was still delighted as he tore off the wrapping to reveal the silver guitar from his erstwhile room in Legion's space station.  
  
"Brutal, Krytes."  Ashamed of his earlier brusqueness, he gave the mechanoid a quick hug.  It wasn't something he attempted often as it wasn't particularly comfortable, but he hoped Kryten would appreciate the gesture.  
  
Kryten smiled as broadly as his face would allow.  "Thank you, sir.  I've already presented Mr Cat with a rug and Mr Rimmer with a pair of boxing gloves.  It was Mr Ace's idea."  
  
"Did he ask you to bring back anything from his room?"  
  
Kryten stammered slightly.  "No, not from his room ... no."  
  
Lister added that to his list of reasons to talk to Ace as soon as possible.

  
  
He paused only to grab a coffee from one of the dispensing machines before heading to Ace's quarters, still a little woozy.  
  
"Skipper!  How are you feeling?"  
  
"Like I skipped the fun drinking part and went straight to the hangover."  
  
"That can happen with those tablets, I'm afraid.  Not feeling all that chipper myself.  But you'll feel better when you've heard what I've got to say."  
  
Lister stepped into the room and seated himself opposite Ace, who ordered the door to lock.  
  
"So why were you so desperate to leave Legion?"  
  
"Lots of reasons, old love.  I meant what I said about it not being good for us, and I'm sure you can guess who visited me last night."  
  
"Spanners, of course," Lister said quietly.  
  
Ace nodded.  "I gave in, of course, but swore to myself it would be the only time.  I can't have him - not the real him - and I've finally accepted that."  
  
Lister wondered whether to give Ace a comforting pat on the shoulder or arm, but decided against it.  He would probably only make things worse.  He settled for looking as sympathetic as he could.  
  
Ace dropped his gaze and cleared his throat.  "Enough about me.  The good news is, you don't need to pussyfoot around anymore.  Arn loves you."  
  
Lister's mouth dropped open.  "What?!  How ... how do you know?"  
  
"You and I weren't the only ones who had visitors last night, old chum."  
  
"You ... what?"  Lister couldn't take it in.  
  
"When you told me about Deb and that hallucination or whatever you want to call it, it started me thinking.  A genius like Legion - in his previous incarnation, I mean - seemed pretty likely to have figured out something as relatively simple as security cameras throughout the complex.  I talked to Kryters beforehand and asked him to get Legion to give him all the visual evidence of our stay.  Once he became Kryters mark 2.0, no problem."  
  
"You're ... you're saying that Rimmer ... had sex ... with a version of me?"  
  
"I stopped the tape before the really naughty stuff, but yes."  
  
"Smegging hell."  
  
"I've got the tape here.  I can leave the room if you want to see it."  
  
"Not yet.  I'm still thinking this through.  Rimmer **loves** me?  I thought he hated me."  
  
"They're not mutually exclusive, old chum."  
  
Lister remembered his bitching session with Deb about their respective Rimmers and nodded slowly.  
  
"Did you know this before?"  
  
"Could tell by the way he looked at you, Skipper.  Didn't say anything while he was soft-light because there didn't seem much point.  He'd never have admitted it, anyway."  
  
"S'pose not.  Hold on - does this mean Arlene loves Deb, too?"  
  
"I'd bet a million dollarpounds on it, old chum."  
  
"I have to let Deb know - somehow -"  
  
"Hold your horses there, Skipper.  I plan to head back over there and play matchmaker ASAP, but we need to sort out you and Arn first."  
  
"How?"  
  
"Kryters gave me the tapes from **all** our rooms, including yours.  We have to arrange for Arn to see who you were with last night."  
  
  



	10. Catharsis

Rimmer lay on his bunk, poring over a heavy book which had been one of his favourites in his lifetime.  He had jumped at the opportunity to read it without having to browbeat a skutter into turning the pages for him.  The tangible weight of the volume in his hands, the texture of the pages ... he had had no idea how much he'd missed it.  
  
Somehow though, "The Life and Military Campaigns of Alexander The Great" wasn't holding his attention the way it usually did.  Or rather, the military bit wasn't.  He found himself going back to the parts he usually skimmed or skipped altogether.  The parts about Alexander's private life.  
  
He had been married twice, but the most enduring relationships of his life seemed all to have been with men.  The author was undecided whether they had been sexual, pointing out that ancient Greece had a completely different attitude to male camaraderie.  But Rimmer found himself hoping for the first time that they had been.  
  
 _If someone like him was ... into men, maybe there's hope for me after all.  Although couldn't I have had something **else** in common with him?_  
  
But if he had indeed once been Alexander's chief eunuch Bagoas, as Donald the hypnotist had assured him, then no wonder he had developed feelings for another man.  He couldn't help it; it was part of his psychological makeup.  
  
Sighing heavily, he closed the book and got to his feet.  A walk around the cargo decks might clear his head.  More importantly, it would postpone the inevitable moment when he found himself alone with Lister.  
  
  
  
When he returned, the bunkroom was still empty.  Rimmer let out a breath he hadn't even realised he had been holding.  
  
 _What's that on my bunk?  Another present from Kryten?_  
  
He picked up the three-cornered parcel and turned it over.  The only clue as to the giver was a small tag with his last name written in capitals.  He didn't recognise the writing.  
  
He ripped off the paper to reveal a single vid and a brief note.  WATCH IN PRIVATE.  
  
Even though a small voice in his head was whispering _"This is some kind of joke - and guess who's the butt of it?"_ , his curiosity was thoroughly piqued.  
  
 _I **know** there's something embarrassing on this, and they're all just waiting for me to play it so they can burst in and take the smeg.  Well, we'll just see about that._  
  
He carefully rewrapped the vid and headed for the lifts, intent on finding a video player he could use without interruption.  
  
  
  
A couple of hours later, he furtively re-entered the bunkroom, minus the vid which was now stashed in the best hiding place he had been able to find.  He sank down onto his bunk.  
  
His head was spinning as he tried to understand what he had seen.  Of course he knew what the logical conclusion of it was, but his brain refused to accept it.  Had he somehow started playing "Better Than Life" again?  That was the only way this could be happening.  
  
A knocking at the door rudely interrupted his thoughts.  "Excuse me Mr Rimmer sir, but it's dinner time."  
  
"I'm not hungry," he replied automatically.  
  
"Can I at least bring a tray in for you, sir?  Shame to waste it."  
  
Rimmer knew he didn't technically need to eat, but his stomach startled him with a sudden rumble.  Hard light really did enhance every sensation.  
  
"OK."  
  
Five minutes later, there was another knock at the door.  
  
"Unlock," Rimmer said absently.  
  
He let out a strangled squeak of surprise as Lister walked through the door, complete with tray.

"Lock," the Scouser ordered quickly.  
  
He deposited the tray on the table.  "Don't blame Kryten, OK?  It was my idea."  
  
Rimmer wanted to run, but his stupid legs wouldn't move.  "What ... what do you want?"  
  
To his surprise, Lister shifted uncomfortably.  "I .. um .. watched anything interesting lately?"

" **You**?  You put it there?"  
  
Lister nodded, staring at the floor as though it was the most fascinating thing he'd ever seen.  
  
"Why?!"  
  
"Isn't it obvious?"  
  
"No, it smegging well isn't!"  
  
"I ... wanted you to see how I ... felt about you."  
  
"Well I'm sorry, miladdio, but my bread's not buttered that way.  Why don't you try that smug ponce - I'm sure he'll welcome you with open arms!"  _Why did I just say that?_  
  
At that, Lister finally looked him in the eye.  "Cut the crap, Rimmer.  I know you feel the same way as me.  I saw what you did with that ... whatever it was ... of me last night."

Rimmer felt his cheeks flame.  "I don't know what you're..."  He crumpled under the dark eyed gaze.  "How?"  
  
Lister explained, haltingly, about Ace's brainwave and Kryten's subsequent obtaining of the tapes from Legion.  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Yeah, I was surprised, too.  Make that gobsmacked."  
  
"About the tapes?  Or..."  
  
"Both."  
  
The lengthy silence was eventually broken by Rimmer.  "I don't get it.  If you ... feel that way, then why've you been ... with that stupid git?"  
  
Lister looked at him sharply.  "How do you know that?"  
  
The colour returned to Rimmer's face in full force.  "I ... guessed.  You were pretty damned obvious.  He practically drooled over you in public."  
  
Lister grinned.  "Jealous, are we?"  
  
"No!  Well..."  
  
"You don't need to be, y'know.  The only reason was, he was the closest thing I could get to you."  
  
Rimmer blinked, his mouth hanging open.  
  
Lister seized the chance to lean down and kiss him lightly.  
  
  
  
Moments later, he pulled back and registered the dumbfounded expression on his bunkmate's face.  
  
"Er, sorry ... maybe that was too soon ... um..."  
  
"Listy?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Shut up."  
  
Strong hands grasped Lister's shoulders and pulled him down onto the bunk, then Rimmer's lips met his with a ferocity which startled him.  He wrapped his arms around the taller man as they deepened the kiss, then moved a hand upwards to ruffle his curls.  Rimmer moaned into the kiss and tightened his fingers on Lister's back.  
  
When they eventually broke apart, both were gasping for air.  Rimmer vaguely wondered why he should feel as though he needed it before he felt himself being pushed awkwardly into a lying position on the bunk, his feet hanging over the edge.  Lister arranged himself on top of him and continued where they'd left off.  Despite his slight discomfort, the heat in Rimmer's groin intensified, even more so when he felt a hardness pressing against his thigh.  He reached out and wrapped his hand around it.  The shiver that ran through the other man's body was the most gratifying thing he could remember.  
  
He moved his fingers up and down, eliciting a moan from Lister, then heard himself echo it as the smaller man's fingers found his own erection and squeezed gently.  The blue uniform obligingly disappeared.    
  
Rimmer fumbled urgently with Lister's zip until it yielded.  They settled into a rocking rhythm, punctuated by gasps.  
  
All too soon, as far as Rimmer was concerned, he felt his toes curl upwards as his whole body stiffened and he spasmed into Lister's hand with a heartfelt groan.  
  
Before he had time to berate himself for not lasting longer, the other man surprised him by babbling into his neck.  "Rimmer, oh fuck, oh FUCK!"  Lister spilled as Rimmer stroked him, the aftershocks of his own climax shuddering through his body, magnified by the sight and sounds before him.  
  
  
  
For a long time they lay in a post-orgasmic haze of tangled limbs, until finally Rimmer could bear the worsening cramp in his leg no longer.  
  
"Er, do you mind if we sit up?  It's just my leg's killing me."  
  
" 'Course.  You should've said before."  
  
Rimmer carefully manoeuvred his legs onto the floor.  "Obviously I didn't want to spoil the mood."  
  
Lister grinned.  "Plenty of worse ways that could've happened.  Which leg is it?"  
  
"The left."  
  
Lister began to massage Rimmer's thigh.  His touch was somehow simultaneously rough and soothing.  
  
"We need to talk."  
  
"What about?"  
  
"Everything."  
  
"Rimmer, can we save the analysis for later?  I know what I feel, and now you do too."  
  
"Yes, but ... oh **God** , that's good..."  
  
"Steady on, it's only a massage."  But the mischievous glint in Lister's eyes belied his words.  
  
Rimmer decided The Talk could wait.  
  
  



	11. The Morning After

Lister woke the next morning to momentary disorientation.  The bed he was in was too near the ground, and he wasn't the only occupant.  That wasn't so unusual for the last week or so, but...

His eyes widened as he remembered the events of last night.

His bunkmate lay on his side, snoring gently.  Lister was wrapped around him, one hand clasping his, the other resting on his chest.

 _Smeg, if you'd told me three million years ago that I'd wake up one morning cuddling Rimmer..._ He couldn't help the chuckle that escaped his lips.  Rimmer mumbled something, but didn't wake.

They had ended up talking last night, of course - how could they not?  Between mouthfuls of the lukewarm contents of the dinner tray, Lister had related the story of how he'd ended up kissing Ace.  Rimmer had brayed with laughter at the fact that they had been knitting.  _Still a smeghead.  Not sure I'd have him any other way though._

But then Rimmer had unexpectedly confessed to spying on him with Ace.  _Not surprised he'd do that, but surprised he'd admit it.  Guess he's trying to be less of a gimboid._

There had been a bit more to it than that, though.  Rimmer's mumbled apology had been followed by an equally garbled offer to make up for it by letting Lister share his bunk.  The younger man had realised from his body language - eyes averted, hands clenched together - that it was the only way he could ask for what he clearly wanted anyway.

In bed they'd continued talking, too tired for anything else.  He chortled again at the irony of both of them pouring their hearts out to their female equivalents and vice versa. 

This time Rimmer opened his eyes.  "Lister?"

"Yeah, it's me.  Don't freak out."

Rimmer looked over his shoulder at Lister, comprehension dawning in his eyes.  "Um ... good morning."

Lister squeezed his hand and kissed his shoulder.  " 'Morning."

Rimmer tightened his grip on Lister's hand.  "It's eleven o'clock.  I suppose we should be getting up."

"Nah, not yet.  C'mon."

"What if - "  The hologram fell silent as his bunkmate's free hand moved downwards from his chest to his thigh and caressed him lazily.  He jumped as the hollow of his collarbone was licked.

"Well I ... er..."  Rimmer abandoned his halfhearted protests and turned his head so that his mouth met Lister's.  They kissed long and deep, the younger man's fingers still at work in the region of Rimmer's groin.  Between that and the sudden hardness he felt against the small of his back, Rimmer was swiftly aroused.  He gasped into Lister's mouth as the hand on his erection stroked steadily.  His pyjamas promptly vanished.

_Oh no you don't, miladdo.  I'm not coming first this time._

He gently pulled Lister's hand off him and twisted over onto his front so that he was lying on top of him.  Tugging up his T-shirt, he kissed the Scouser's already hard nipples and then licked teasingly.  Lister shivered and let out several swearwords as his back arched in response.  Rimmer swirled his tongue around the rigid nubs of flesh, relishing the quivers of the body beneath him and the fingers digging into his back.

When Rimmer raised his head, his mouth was captured in a grateful kiss.  As their erections met, Lister grabbed Rimmer's backside and didn't let go as they moved together.  Rimmer kissed his neck and jawline, feeling the texture of stubble under his tongue.

Lister kneaded the taller man's buttocks frantically, his pupils dilated as desire coursed through him.  Rimmer kissed his mouth, his tongue darting in and out.  One hand supported Lister's head, the other tweaked a nipple as the smaller man groaned.

Despite the nearness of his own orgasm, Rimmer could tell Lister was closer still.  He squeezed harder and gently nipped at his lover's neck.  He was rewarded with a suddenly rigid body beneath his as his name was gasped into his ear.

That was enough to send him over the edge.  He bit down hard on the join between Lister's neck and shoulder as he came, his cries muffled.  They lay in a panting heap.

 

 

"I think we can safely say you have sensitive nipples."

"I knew that already, but ... smeg."

Lister planted a kiss on Rimmer's lips.  Followed by several more.

 

 

"So what was with the vampire impression?"

Rimmer flushed.  "Sorry, I got carried away."

"I'm kidding, ya goit.  You think you're the first one who's done that?"

Rimmer frowned.  "I don't want to know."

"Anyway, it'll be your turn next time."

He grinned at the look on Rimmer's face and cut off his reply with his mouth.

 

 

**THE PREVIOUS EVENING**

 

 

Cat sashayed into his sleeping quarters, checking his reflection in the hand mirror he always carried with him.  "I am so good looking, it should be illegal!"  He replaced the mirror in his pocket and spun round in a graceful circle.  His leg was healed, he'd just had a fine meal, he was still as handsome as ever.  Life was good.

He rarely actually slept in these quarters.  They were more for storing his extensive wardrobe, showering several times a day and trying out new outfit combinations in front of the full-length mirror.  When he felt the urge to nap he would curl up in one of his many favourite spots.

He expertly halted in mid-spin as something on the bed caught his eye.  It was triangular and wrapped in paper.  Heedless of the tag, he ripped it open.  "A vid?  What kind of present is that?"  He picked up the piece of paper that had fluttered to the floor.  WATCH IN PRIVATE.

"Guess it's not "The Flintstones", then.  Lock."

Cat had a notoriously short attention span, but was instantly riveted by the scene before him.  Himself, in his room in Legion's space station, preparing for bed.  "What a gorgeous chunk of loveliness!"  There was no sound, but who needed that with such a vision on the screen?

He tore his eyes away from himself to admire the room's decor, then looked down smugly at the luxurious black and white rug under his feet.  "Novelty condom head's good for something after all."

As he looked back at the screen, a second figure entered the room.  Cat gaped appreciatively as his onscreen self embraced his doppelganger.  "Is it me, or has it suddenly got rather hot in here?"

 

 

**THE PRESENT**

 

 

"I'm starting to get worried, sir.  There hasn't been a peep from Mr Cat since yesterday evening, and he didn't answer even when I shouted."

"No cause for concern, old chum.  Whatever his innermost fantasy was, he's obviously got a bit too caught up in it.  When the vid comes to an end, he should snap out of it."

"But surely any vid would have finished by now, sir?"

"These were special ones, old chum, able to hold up to 24 hours at a time.  I suggest we leave him for the time being as he'll be in no state to contribute meaningfully to the discussion."

There was a snort from the doorway.  "So what else is new?"

"Good afternoon, sir."

"Hi, Arn.  Skipper on his way?"

Rimmer stared at Ace uncertainly.  Lister had told him that he knew - that he had been the first to guess, in fact.  It was thanks, indirectly, to Ace's forethought that he was now with Listy.  Ace had also volunteered to keep Cat and Kryten away from Rimmer and Lister's room for as long as necessary.  Technically, he owed the git.  To be polite, at least.

"Yes, he'll be here in a few minutes."  _Because he had to take a shower after the fantastic sex we had_ , he couldn't help adding to himself.

 

 

Lister hurried into the room with still-damp locks.  "Sorry, guys.  Where's Cat?"

"He's been unavoidably detained, old chum.  We're starting without him."

Lister shrugged, his anticipation of what was to come overriding all else.  "Let's roll."

The device on the table looked rather like a miniature piano, with buttons and switches in place of keys.  Ace pressed and pulled in a swift but complicated sequence that reminded Rimmer of his childhood music teacher.  Red and blue lights flashed as the machine went to work.

Lister stared nervously.  The truth was, he'd been putting this off, not sure he could handle the enormity of it.

In a few minutes - **if** this thing worked - he would know.

Whether or not the Earth - his Earth - still existed.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	12. Resolution

"You may want to stand further back, Sirs.  There's a chance the immense strain of such complex calculations could cause the machine to explode."  
  
Rimmer yelped.  "You tell us that **now**?"  He took several steps back, pulling Lister with him.  
  
Kryten stared at their linked hands with the expression he got when he had just worked out a solution to one of the pickles they seemed to have a knack of getting themselves into.   "I'm ... sorry, Sir."  
  
Lister gave Rimmer's hand a reassuring squeeze.  "Probably thought we already knew.  That's what happened to Deb's, y'know."  
  
Rimmer flushed even redder, wondering how he could have forgotten that piece of information from their pre-Legion discussions.   Then again, his attention had probably wavered depending on the speaker.  He dredged his memory.   "And you said the result was ... inconclusive?"  
  
" 'Fraid so, old chum.  Anything between 0 and 0.5 is "not confirmed".  Theirs was 0.3.  They tried it again and the blasted thing blew."  
  
Rimmer thought about dropping Lister's hand, but its comforting pressure won out over his embarrassment.  He began talking again to divert attention.  
  
"So 0.6 and upwards is a definite yes, right?"  
  
Ace was about to reply when a rattle from the machine sent the onlookers further back.  
  
"Don't worry, old loves.  Just means she's done."  He strode back to the table and peered at the tiny screen.  "Do you want to read it yourself, Dave?"  
  
"Just tell us," the Scouser replied tightly.  
  
"0.8."  
  
"YES!!! Get in!"  Lister danced around the room, jumping up and down.  His face glowed with a mile-wide grin.  
  
"That's wonderful news, Sir."  
  
"Delighted for you, old chum."  
  
Rimmer shuffled awkwardly, unable to think what to say.  Of course he was happy for Lister.  But...  His simulated breath was knocked out of him as Lister caught him in a bear hug and kissed him.  
  
A tactful few minutes later, Ace coughed.  "So, old chums, would you like me to try and get a location?"  
  
"I think that would be advisable, Sirs."  
  
Rimmer disentangled himself from his still beaming lover with as much dignity as he could muster.  "Won't that increase the chances of the thing exploding?"  
  
"Nothing ventured, nothing gained, eh?"  At their nods, Ace began another round of button pressing.  
  
As he rejoined the others, the grumbles emanating from the device grew louder and louder.  They watched helplessly as the table shook as though an earthquake was imminent.  Black plumes of smoke rose into the air as the machine's interior overheated.  They threw themselves to the floor as shards of metal and loops of wiring shot across the room and scattered in all directions.  
  
Rimmer couldn't help himself.  "I told you so."  
  
  
  
"You're worried, aren't ya?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"You think the minute we find Earth,  if there's any humans left, I'll dump ya.  You're wrong."  
  
Rimmer glanced at the open doorway of their quarters and snapped "Lock!".  He shifted uncomfortably as Lister sat beside him on the lower bunk, refusing to meet his eyes.  
  
"C'mon man, you know me.  I'm not the love 'em and leave 'em type."  
  
"More the bawling at soppy films type," Rimmer muttered without heat.  Lister grinned at that, then threaded his fingers through the hologram's longer ones and leaned in, pressing a kiss to his lips.  
  
  
  
Ace stayed for another day or two, just to make sure the device was indeed irreparable.  When it proved to be so, he turned his attention to the Holly Hop Drive.   
  
"Dangerously unstable, Skipper.  The last trip took a lot out of it.  I'd say only use it again as a last resort."  
  
"But what about Deb?  She needs to know."  
  
"I've managed to work out the co-ordinates of her dimension, going by what I gleaned from the Hop Drive and talking to Hilly and Kryta.  Time to hop back in _Wildfire_ and head off into the big black."  
  
  
  
Lister waited as Kryten and Cat said their effusive farewells, followed by Rimmer's polite but more guarded one.  The others instinctively stepped back as he held out his hand to the pilot, braced for a repeat of the vigorous handshake of their first meeting.  
  
But Ace simply shook his hand normally, his slim fingers lingering rather too long and sending an involuntary guilty shiver down Lister's spine.  He withdrew his hand abruptly, feeling heat rise to his cheeks.  
  
"Thanks for everything, Skipper.  I'll miss you."  
  
"Same here, Ace.  I owe you a lot."  
  
"Nonsense, old love.  Other way round."  Ace smiled at Lister and started to turn away, but paused at a touch on his shoulder.  
  
"One more thing.  Me kids.  I'd've spent more time with them if I'd known we'd have to rush off to Legion.  Can you talk to them?  Make sure Bexley's keeping up his studies, and that Jim's not feeling left out?"  
  
"Of course, old chum."  Ace gave Lister's shoulder a final pat, then turned to his ship.  He climbed into the cockpit, somehow making the awkward manoeuvre appear graceful.  
  
"So long, fellers.  Smoke me a kipper; I'll be back for breakfast."  
  
  
  
"Where to, Ace?" enquired the syrupy female voice.  
  
"One moment, old girl."  Ace reached into his pocket and pulled out a vid.  He unlocked a drawer above his bed and placed it carefully inside.  
  
"Dimension 5128, old love."  
  
  
  
"Sorry, man."  
  
The hologram ignored him, continuing to flick through a heavy, boring looking book.  Lister glanced at it.  One of those stupid military ones.  What did Rimmer get out of all that stuff?  He shook his head.  
  
He moved closer and ruffled Rimmer's hair, earning a jump and a half-hearted glare.  
  
"Look man, I can't pretend Ace doesn't get me engine revving-"  
  
"Oh, that's just marvellous-"  
  
"But that's 'cos he's another you.  If I wanted to be with him, I would be right now.  Do I really need to explain why I'm not?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
" 'Cos I love you, smeghead."  
  
Rimmer muttered something incomprehensible.  
  
 _Don't push it.  It's too early for him._  
  
Lister returned his fingers to the taller man's curls, stroking softly until he felt Rimmer's hand on his shoulder, urging him down onto his lap.  Straddling him, he settled into the embrace, wondering how long it would take to caress away all those insecurities.  
  
 _Who cares.  It'll be fun finding out._  


**THE END**


End file.
